I haven't been myself lately. I've been crabby and cranky and picking fights. I've been moody and down. I have not been my normal self. I'm zig zagging through emotions so fast you'd think I was abusing black market hormones. So I took some time last night for me in an attempt to figure out what the hell is going on. And I did.
It seems that lately, all my friends and family are going through changes. Most of them big changes. And all those changes are a move forward in life. My Dad retired and has stayed retired (inside family joke) and has never been happier. My Mom is now, at the start of the "golden years", the breadwinner in the family. Ironic when at the start of their marriage she stayed home while Dad worked. My sister and brother-in-law are searching for a new house, one that is larger and newer than the current home. Frederick and Jed have become parents. Adrian is changing everyday. He'll be walking soon, and I'm convinced, talking. Darla's fast growing Max actually did graduate from puppy kindergarten (much to our mutual surprise). Heather is settling into her new house. Corrie is discovering deeper relationships within her family than she's enjoyed in many years. Vicki is dragging her boyfriend, whom we hope will become her husband, to look at potential new homes so she can move out of her high maintenance one and into something that requires less work. Frank will be closing on his condo soon...the building is almost complete. Leslie is finishing up her summer classes at ACC before starting back at U.T. as a Textiles major (woohoo!) in the fall.
What am I doing? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Sittin' still. Stagnating. Sleepwalking. At least it feels that way deep down in my psyche. Yes, I know I recently finished a triathlon and a 10K. And I'm admittedly halfheartedly training for the half marathon in September. I need to get off my nalgas and do some real training or those 13.1 miles will be the death of me. I'm still running down the pro's and con's of foster parenthood but haven't reached a conclusion. Other than that...what am I accomplishing? I feel like everyone is moving on...moving forward...moving away from me. I feel like I'm running down the street behind the busload of Success screeching "Wait for me! Wait for me!" before giving up, eating dust and walking to the curb.
So now that I've identified the root of the problem, let's cut to the chase: What's a girl to do? Indulge in a pint of chocolate ice cream and a good cry? Become bitter and sour and begrudge the accomplishments of everyone around me? Win the Lotto? All of those are out...well, maybe the ice cream is a good idea. But crying leaves pin point bruises under my eyes and maintaining a bad attitude takes too much energy. I will buy a lottery ticket tonight, though. Never hurts. And I keep telling myself that despite the faint smell of corruption surrounding our Lottery Commission lately, some of the price of my ticket will benefit education. Yeah, that's it.
I don't have any answers except now that I know what the issue is...and that it is most definitely my issue...I have no choice but to stop being a grump and no fun and administer a swift kick to my own backside (a Cirque du Soleil-ish feat) and "snap out of it!" as Cher's character says in the movie "Moonstruck". I am reminding myself that life is not a competition. The only goals I have to meet or exceed are the ones I set for myself. And stop being so scared. Fear is a destroyer. I am not being left behind. I might be on the sidelines, but I'm still here.
Change can be a little frightening at times but it almost always turns out fabulous. While I'm at it, I can relish the "new and improved" areas of the lives around me. I can celebrate the excitement of a new home, talk about boyfriends with potential and giggle over the tingly delicious taste of a relationship that is going well. I can stop treating my life as if it isn't good enough, noteworthy or heaven help me, stuck in an airplane holding pattern while the sweaty man with onion breath in the seat next to me keeps brushing his arm against mine.
Would I be too naive if I believe that just by identifying why I was acting in such an out of character manner that now I have no need to do so? I think not. I am embracing the thought that with the knowledge of why comes the action of understanding; the ability to now move beyond the black mood, leave behind the feelings of inadequacy and step back into my comfortable existence of living, loving, learning, yearning and being me, feeling like me and growing beyond myself to a better me.
"Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours." (Swedish proverb)