Thursday, June 29, 2006

My Problem With Erectile Dysfunction

Apparently, I can't get it up. At least that's what the bombardment of emails yesterday and today have informed me. Some samples of what I've been receiving:

  • For your wife's last b-day you gave her a vibrator because of your hopeless Erectile Dysfunction. By taking our new Soft Cialis Tabs you are bound to give her the best sex ever instead of miserable "battery dick".
  • You always wanted to use your penis as a billiards cue. With our new Soft Cialis Tabs you can even have sex with your ex.
  • Do you want to do something useful in your life? Advice your friend Soft Cialis Tabs for the best erection.

I'm wondering...what model did I buy my wife? When did I grow a penis? And which of my friends is actually suffering from erectile dysfunction? Would a man really want to use his penis as a pool cue?

I've learned that "even if you have no erection problems, Soft Cialis will help you to make BETTER SEX MORE OFTEN and to bring unimaginable pleasure to her." Hmmm...I'd like to have sex, especially better sex and more often. But my imagination is pretty doggone active. I don't know if I could handle pleasure that is beyond my imagination. At least not without bruising and possibly a sprain or two. I kinda thought my future sex partner(s) would be male but I guess I shouldn't be so picky. After all, beggars can't be choosers.

I hope that the valid commercials for Soft Cialis Tabs have a more successful ad campaign. I tried googling it, but here's what came up (no pun intended):

  • Do you want to see the fountain of sperm? Try our new Soft Cialis.
  • You think you need a crane to lift your dick? Soft Cialis is the way to do it.
  • Soft Cialis Tabs is the new impotence drug that everyone is talking about.
  • You can drive or mix alcohol drinks with Cialis.

One website announced in large, bold font that you can get rock hard in 20 minutes and that it is the only 4 day erection. Yikes. And you guys thought it was embarrassing in junior high when you'd get up in class to write something on the chalkboard and suddenly realize you had wood. Can you imagine if it lasted 4 days? What if you popped a Soft Cialis before a date but she bails at the last minute? That's a 4 day reminder that you didn't even get to first base.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Oldies, Schmoldies

I'm listening to a radio station that bills itself as a friendly local station that's owned by some guy named Bob who remembers all kinds of stuff about Austin: the long gone Aquafest, when Cedar Park was really out of town, and when the women walking down S. Congress were actually trying to make rent get the picture. It's actually a clever marketing campaign for a national radio chain, but hey, they play all kinds of music so who cares?

Anyway, in the past hour I've heard Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me", Elton John's "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" and Foreignor's "Cold as Ice". All older songs but still good ones. What other radio station would play these and then follow it with Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World"?

I'm loving the oldies today as I sing along with Huey Lewis' "Heart & Soul".

Happy Summer Solstice Birthday, Frank!

Today is Midsummer, the day of Frank's birthday. He's a solstice baby. The moon during this time period is called a "honey moon" from the honeyed mead traditionally drunk after pagan wedding celebrations held on this day. Well, there won't be any honeyed mead served at his celebratory dinner tonight, but I'm sure a few of us will toast him with some type of alcoholic bevie.

The summer solstice is traditionally a time to savor the accomplishments of the hard work done during the last season. It's a time for entertainment and pleasure, a little overindulgance and gratification. It's a celebration of light and fire and a time to concentrate on cleansing and renewal while enjoying love and growth. What a delightful day to be born on!

Have a very happy birthday, Frank.

"A posse ad esse"

Friday, June 16, 2006

Revisiting Brokeback

A while back, one of my myspace friends, Richard, posted a comment about Brokeback Mountain that prompted me to think about the movie. I was familiar with Annie Proulx, having read "The Shipping News", a novel written before her short story of two cowboys fighting for and against their attraction. Anxious to see the story on the big screen, I went with a group of friends to an opening night performance.

My first impressions were a mixed bag of sadness and an urge to declare that the act of loving someone of the same gender is to be embraced, not shunned. I also mulled over the scenes where the characters each allow their intense emotions to spill out. The scene where Ennis is crying after walking away from Jack comes to mind, as does the reunion between the two years later. Although I can debate that two closeted men would engage in such heated kissing within mere seconds after seeing each other after some 4 years, it was unarguably an impassioned, all-consuming moment.

I remember when I had those kinds of feelings. I can remember being so wild about someone that even being around her made me nervous and jittery enough to feel queasy, giving new meaning to the word 'lovesick'. I can recall a boyfriend who elicited fierce feelings of desire and longing that were almost animalistic in nature. I have confused love with lust and craved someone so deeply that I believed I was in love. I've ridden the highs of ardor and I've spiraled down to hit the rocky bottom of the lows of rejection as well.

The odd part is that these raging emotions are almost completely confined to my late teens and my twenties. Not that I'm claiming that I haven't felt incredibly deep emotions as a more mature adult---God knows I have. But my deepest, truest and most ardent feelings were not the hormonally charged roller coaster of my younger years. They've tempered like steel into a woman owned essence of love.

Which leads me to examine the leading ladies in the film. Alma & Lureen, wife to Ennis and Jack, respectively. I didn't feel sorry for the wives even though they married the men they loved but didn't get the life they expected. It was obvious that Lureen, the spoiled rich girl, was unhappy that Jack spent his vacations visiting Ennis. Whether or not she had discovered his predilection for men, it was obvious did not respect her husband. And Alma, who early on accidentally sees the men kissing, grabbing and groping like horny teens, spends the rest of her marriage embittered but silent.

Years after her divorce and re-marriage, Alma brings up the subject of Jack to Ennis and reveals to him that she knew they didn't actually go fishing on their trips. A mean confrontation ensues in which Ennis is a grade A ugly jerk. While most would wonder what was the point in bringing up the subject after many years, I thought it most telling. Alma, despite her unhappiness with Ennis' inability to keep a steady paycheck and his passion for Jack, still loved him. Pure and simple. She had divorced Ennis and accepted the attention of another man whom she saw as a kind friend. And she settled. She wanted a husband, a lover, a friend. A father to her children. But she settled, exchanging a deep love for solid devotion.

So now, months after seeing the movie, I not only empathize with the bond between the men, but also understand the love of their wives. Now I realize that the phone call between Lureen and Ennis had deeper meaning than a newly widowed woman being intentionally tactless with her husband's lover. I think she finally had some comprehension, some insight into their relationship, and as a final act of love gave Ennis more information than a wife would give her late husband's fishing buddy.

Love is a strange, strange thing.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Medically Necessary Surgery vs. Genital Mutilation

I was reading a CNN article about an 8 year old boy who has suffered from frequent penile inflammation for the past year. The divorced parents are in court, fighting over whether or not he should be circumsized as treatment for the problem.

The father who put his foot down at birth and stipulated that his son would stay uncut claims the surgery is unnecessary and alleges it could cause physical and psychological harm. The mother has faith in her son's doctor, who believes the surgery would alleviate the problem. She states that her son can't wear anything but loose clothing such as pajamas while enduring the pain.

Apparently there are also allegations of anti-semitism, with the mother claiming the father views circumcision as a Jewish practice and that his son "is not a Jew". The father denies any bias but interestingly, his attorney questioned if the mother's new husband is circumsized. She is married to a Jewish man.

I can't say I've given a lot of thought to the argument that circumcision is genital mutilation, but I can agree it isn't medically necessary. It's certainly a cosmetic choice. However, if my child was in pain and it was a reasonable treatment option I'd do it. Wouldn't any of us pretty much do anything for our child if it meant a pain free existence?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Myspace in the News Again

I read today that a teenager from Michigan lied to her parents so that they would obtain a passport for her. She disappeared on Monday but turned up Wednesday when she hopped a flight from New York to Tel Aviv. The soon-to-be 17 year old was attempting to reach Jericho, to meet a 25 year old man she met on myspace. The FBI arranged for Jordanian officials to speak to the girl on her layover and they convinced her it was in her best interests to return home.

The parents were shocked, stating their child was a straight A student who had never been problematic before. Apparently, it's myspace's fault.

WTH, people? Why does America insist on blaming myspace? Not to say that there aren't pedophiles out there who prey on kids through myspace and the rest of the internet, but when a teen coerces her parents into a passport it stands to follow that she knew what she was doing. She did a lot of planning in order to travel some 600 miles to NYC. She saved a ton of babysitting money to purchase a ticket for an international flight. And you know when the officials in Jordan were putting on the pressure to go back home, her first thought was probably "my parents are gonna ground me for the summer!" or something along those lines.

This event is the 2006 equivalent of sneaking out of the house after curfew so you and your friends can go to a kegger at some guy's house who's a friend of your friend's cousin's girlfriend's brother. So what if you're underage? So what if you have no idea who the people throwing the party are or even if they're sane or decent? You did it because you were a teenager and it was a party and the thrill of not getting caught was a cheap and easy high. In the end, you were still responsible for your actions and paid the price if your parents found out. This Michigan teen needs to own up that it was her decision to skip the country. Stop playing the blame game and accept the consequences of your actions.

Please, no hate mail. I realize that there are adults who seek out impressionable children expressly to entrust them, set up their relationship and eventually rope them in. They are sick and disgusting perverts.

The Main Event

What's a girl to do on a Saturday night in Austin, Texas? Well, lots. But if you're me you'd jump at the opportunity to see a sassy redhead make a pole dancin' audience beg for more. Yes, Maulie Keebler was headlining at Expose' after the Hopkins vs. Tarver boxing match.

Maulie, who started out the evening in her Jessica Rabbit form fitting red dress, paid tribute to boxing with a sexy silver bikini under a silky red cape. She strutted her stuff, boxing gloves on, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. As always, the woman can work a pole upside down, right side up, side ways, every ways. And her final dance act involved two very large bottles of water. Yes, Maulie got wet and at the end, so did her audience. Using her thighs to jet propel streams of water, Maulie soaked the front row and ended her set to cheers and applause.

I brought home a gorgeous black and white photo of Maulie which she so sweetly autographed for me. In the photo, which can be seen at her website, Maulie is nude but delicately concealed by a feathered fan. Delicious!

Maulie has a busy schedule this summer but will be performing at Toddfest 2006 in July. It will be one spankin' hot party.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Viva La Raza!

I watched the ALMA Awards the other night. The show, sponsored by the National Counsel of La Raza, presents awards for outstanding achievement in the entertainment industry as well as honoring those celebrities whose career and lives have had a positive impact upon the Latino image.

The commercials during the awards show were geared toward a Latino audience, no big surprise. I did find one ad for Mexicans And Americans Thinking Together (MATT) very interesting. The spot featured a Latina with traditional features: olive toned skin, dark hair, dark eyes, curvy figure and an Anglo with fair skin and lighter hair. Speaking in Spanish and English, the actors talked about how alike they are and promoted bicultural unification. The traditional appearing Latina spoke English while the white/caucasian man spoke Spanish.

During the show, the cameras panned the audience and while the majority of skintones were shades of mocha, several notable güeros were present as well. Clifton Collins, Jr. received an award for his role in Capote. Alexis Bledel, who plays on The Gilmore Girls, attended in support of her The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants co-star America Ferrera’s nomination. I didn’t see Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez (Martin Sheen) but I’m sure he was there in spirit.

The show was very much a pep rally for being Latino, a celebration of successful Latinos. I drank it in like fine champagne. I’m very proud of my Mexican-American background and very defensive about my appearance. Most of my friends have heard me say “I’m not white” more than a few times. It’s not that I’m ashamed of being half Anglo. It’s just that I identify more with my Latino roots than with the white side of my family. It’s who I am. And I dislike it when people assume I am 100% anglo instead of Mexicana. Maybe I’m not puro Mexicana, but I am puro TexMex. Simply, soy Latina. Or chicana or Hispanic or whatever you want to call it. Frank says “reverse coconut” since I’m so rabid about my ethnicity.

I eat beans with breakfast and if salsa or chile is available, it’s going on top of whatever I’m eating. I had piñatas at birthday parties growing up, even though my mother had to bring them from Texas to our town in Louisiana. I prefer an empanada to a doughnut. My mom made homemade flour tortillas at least once a week, every week until I was in college. I burned the tips of my fingers flipping them on the hot comal. I make menudo at home because I like it, not because I have a hangover. I enjoy celebrating Dia de los Muertos, Las Mañanitas and Cinco de Mayo. I love large, happy, loud family get togethers with lots of children running around, more food than we could possibly eat, and a beaming matriarch/patriarch overseeing it all. I value the sense of family, the tie that binds us all together. I embrace our heritage and commitment to our culture.

My one regret is that I’m not fluent in Spanish. Because my father speaks only English, we did not grow up terribly bilingual. Yes, I can squeak by when necessary, and I do understand more than I can speak back, but it’s not enough. I have procrastinated for years in taking lessons, hoping to pick up the language from friends and family. The time has come to admit that I need a structured teaching environment. And to further my pride by being able to converse, write and read well in what was my first language, but turned out to be my least proficient one.

I wonder, is everyone as proud of their mixed heritage as I am?