Thursday, October 02, 2008

Fun Times in Knocked Up Land

Let's make this quick. Here's what I've learned lately and what those damn baby books don't really address:

1. You pretty much can't take any meds other than your prenatals, Benadryl and Tylenol. So when Austin allergies bash you upside down and back again, you are left with a throbbing 10lb head full of snot and no functional method of symptom relief. A date with my neti pot helps, but only for about an hour.

2. Hormones. I've never been bitchy. Really. My friends will back me on this. I've always had a laid back attitude and unless seriously provoked, I'm not a hostile woman. Until now. I am soooo full of love and tenderness and joy at the budding life within that if you cut me off on the interstate and then slow down so that I have to slam on my brakes just know that it's only because of the sweet little spawn inside me that I don't DRIVE MY FRICKEN SUV OVER YOUR UNINSURED ASS. Granted, it's a very small SUV but I guarantee that it will snap you out of your hip hop induced coma and make you at least throw the bud you're smoking out before the cops arrive. Because oh yes, there will be cops. And that, my friends, is the hormones just for driving. There's also the raging hormones for stupid people at the grocery store, the asshats at ACL who kept bumping into my baby belly (yeah, I'm showin') and the dizzybizzys who have the nerve to ask me "Are you sure you're not having twins?" No, you dumbass, I am not and have never been a skinny chick. When a big girl gets knocked up we are going to look bigger faster than you anorexic little stickgirls. Thanks for asking. I feel like the Goodyear blimp and I've just entered my 2nd trimester. Wait a few months and I'll completely eclipse your teeny tiny bobble head atop your bulimia-ravaged body. Oh wait, I need a toothpick...perhaps you could be so kind as to lend me your arm?

3. Your uterus and growing placenta is in close proximity to your bladder. Very close. So close that when you have severe allergies and you cough hard, you pee. And if you sneeze, you pee more. It is just plain wrong that I am pregnant and still utilizing feminine hygeine products, even more so that I'm using them like a flippin' diaper. It's embarrassing but it's happened so often this week that I'm beyond my initial self-disgust and sharing this with God and everyone.

4. Saving the worst for last...most of you know I love to cook. I adore cooking shows. I love to plan out and create gourmet meals. Well, during pregnancy some odd things can happen. My morning sickness went away and I was happy because I couldn't face cooking odors for several months without yakking. Now it's worse. I have a complete revulsion for raw beef, pork, fish and fowl. I can barely look at it in the grocery store without getting all over grossed out. I tried to make pork stir fry and was so revolted when I was slices up the raw meat that I just couldn't eat dinner. It's irrational and I don't like it but I don't have any control over it. I can certainly eat if it's placed in front of me, already cooked. I just can't deal with the raw stuff. I'm hoping this goes away in time. I'm sick of eating out, tired of frozen meals and completely over fast food. I want homecooked goodness. And I want it without feeling as if I'm going to puke.

5. Beer aromatherapy works. I can't drink it but a good sniff is deeply satisfying.


(F)redddy said...

Regarding #2...ummm, should I be honest???

Kay said...

:-P You know I'm usually not bitchy. Whiny, yes. LOL

Angelnina's Cottage said...

Catchin up here...

I lived in Vegas in the last half of my pregnancy and I was one of those petite tiny anorexic lookin' bitches (those days are long gone) and since I'm the size of an elf, people stopped and stared--and once in a while cracked up laughing.."It's just that you're so little and you're so BIG!"
yes, people don't think before they open their big mouths.
I have to admit, I looked like a freak.
Oh, and after 40 we all pee our pants when we cough. At least, I hope we all do? :(