Sing it with me. "867-5309, eight six seven five three oh ni-uh-ine". How many times have you given out this phone number instead of your own? C'mon, we've all done it. We've all given out a wrong number on purpose a time or two. Sometimes even with the wrong name. I have a friend whose favorite bar name, Justin, is nowhere close to his real name. I've had bar names myself. One memorable Port Aransas weekend, Darci, Julie and I became Anita Mann, Ivanna Rideyou and Alotta something that I can't remember now. We'd bet each other drinks that the drunk guy approaching one of us wouldn't blink an eye at the double entendre psuedonym. Most didn't. And we all got pretty toasted that night.
I thought I'd heard it all when it comes to people giving out wrong numbers, wrong names or heck, their friends' names and numbers instead of their own. Today I heard a tale that amused me greatly. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, or at least so some of you out there don't guess and start your own phone call campaign. I have a friend we'll call Jeri. For some time now, Jeri has been getting frequent calls at the traditional "bar just closed" time around 2:30am. The guys will leave drunken messages along the lines of "Hi Jeri, this is ____. Umm, you said it was okay to call anytime..." wink wink nudge nudge. As if you want to meet for coffee at 3am. She's also been getting regular phone calls where the person asks for her by name, strikes up a conversation and shortly both parties realize they don't know each other. The calls and messages were starting to increase and it became obvious that the other Jeri spends a lot of time in bars meeting men. A lot of men. The other Jeri is living la vida loca.
Jeri was getting annoyed and decided to put a stop to the calls. She started asking people what number they thought they'd dialed so that she could call the other Jeri and resolve the problem. At the very least ask Jeri Two to please ensure that the correct phone number is given out or, if it is a purposeful wrong number, to give a totally different number than either of their's. And maybe, possibly to counsel Jeri Two on the potential dangers in a party girl world. So she called. And got his voice mail. Yes, the other one is Jerry, a gay man who is apparently quite popular. And that explains the slutty behavior, says Jeri.
Why didn't someone realize the mixup sooner? Jeri's voice is a little deeper than most girl's and Jerry's voice is a little higher than most boy's. A kacheery guy calling up for love wouldn't realize he'd reached a female, especially because Jeri's message says something like "you've reached Jeri, leave a message". Even funnier is that Jeri's spouse, Tiffany (yes, they are lesbians) had decided a while back that J2 was a man. So...Jerry's tricks are booty callin' Jeri the lesbian. Can you just imagine? Seriously, I can't make up stories this hilarious. Have you ever heard of a more amusing coincidence?
Jeri did leave Jerry a voice mail about the mixed up numbers and missed messages. There's been no response from Jerry. It's Halloween, a high holy day in the gay life. He's been far too busy making new "friends" to call back.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Ghoulies and Ghosties, Long-Leggety Beasties And Things that Go Bump in the Night
Halloween is such a fun holiday. In the U.S., Halloween is all about fun times: costumes, candy, collecting for UNICEF (in some regions but not one I ever lived in), ghost stories and haunted houses. We live for candy corn, jack-o-lanterns, miniature Hershey bars and wax lips. As children we pre-determined our Halloween costume in August, after a few weeks of debate with our friends.
It's hard to remember that this holiday is based on the ancient Celtic celebration of Samhain. Druids, or Celtic priests to us modern folk, would build huge bonfires for sacrifices (both plant and animal) in an attempt to appease the deities and keep the peace on the one night of the year when the line between the living world and spiritual world blurs and ghosts are free to return and be as mischievous or malevolent as they pleased. Samhain (pronounced "sow-in") was also a New Year's celebration marking the end of harvest and beginning of winter, a season associated with the dead...for obvious reasons. When the Romans gained power over the region, they incorporated two of their festivals into the mix. Feralia and Pomona were celebrated back to back, with Pomona on the day of Samhain. Feralia was honoring the passing of the dead and Pomona acknowledged the goddess of fruit and trees. Pomona's trademark symbol was the apple, and is considered the reason why we bob for the fruit at Halloween and harvest festivals.
Once in charge, the Christians had to have it their way. Pope Boniface IV designated the official All Saint's Day during the seventh century, hoping to replace the Feralia festivities with a Christian observance of the dead. In the language of the time it was called Alholowmesse or All Hallow's day. The day before, Samhain, was called All Hallow's Eve, eventually just Halloween.
Whether your background is Pagan, Wiccan, Christian or whatever, it's still one of the most entertaining holidays. As a child I lived for Halloween. I loved planning my costume and getting together with friends to go trick or treating. My favorite costume was one that my mother made for a school play when I was picked to be an indian princess. The next year we moved to a different city and I got to wear my indian princess costume again. I adored it, with it's fringed sleeves and hem and the colorful beading. But no matter what costume we wore, the routine was always the same: rush home from school, start getting ready and wait, wait, wait until dusk to go trick or treating. Afterward, my mom made us go through our candy to check for tainted items, razor blades, etc., but we never found any. We'd trade candy for our favorites and give the ones we didn't like to our parents.
As I've gotten older, I don't do the dress up thing as often but I still love to carve jack-o-lanterns, toasting the seeds in a spicy mix while putting the final touches on a scary face, circle of stars, cat with an arched back or whatever design I'd chosen that year. Austin throws a huge Halloween event on 6th Street for costumed adults to drunkenly celebrate at bar after bar after bar. The gay bars in town revel in the holiday, each one packed with outlandishly costumed clientele. You have to love the Carmen Miranda-clad drag queen flirting outrageously with a hard bodied man wearing only a circlet of ivy and a well placed fig leaf. And I always have a good time, whether wearing my Sister Mary Feelgood costume (nun habit with a thigh high slit and red fishnets paired with cha cha heels) or my Bitch costume (just me, add whore red lipstick and a full dose of attitude). Every year finds me just as excited as ever that the holiday has arrived.
What are your plans for Samhain? Do you have a favorite costume?
It's hard to remember that this holiday is based on the ancient Celtic celebration of Samhain. Druids, or Celtic priests to us modern folk, would build huge bonfires for sacrifices (both plant and animal) in an attempt to appease the deities and keep the peace on the one night of the year when the line between the living world and spiritual world blurs and ghosts are free to return and be as mischievous or malevolent as they pleased. Samhain (pronounced "sow-in") was also a New Year's celebration marking the end of harvest and beginning of winter, a season associated with the dead...for obvious reasons. When the Romans gained power over the region, they incorporated two of their festivals into the mix. Feralia and Pomona were celebrated back to back, with Pomona on the day of Samhain. Feralia was honoring the passing of the dead and Pomona acknowledged the goddess of fruit and trees. Pomona's trademark symbol was the apple, and is considered the reason why we bob for the fruit at Halloween and harvest festivals.
Once in charge, the Christians had to have it their way. Pope Boniface IV designated the official All Saint's Day during the seventh century, hoping to replace the Feralia festivities with a Christian observance of the dead. In the language of the time it was called Alholowmesse or All Hallow's day. The day before, Samhain, was called All Hallow's Eve, eventually just Halloween.
Whether your background is Pagan, Wiccan, Christian or whatever, it's still one of the most entertaining holidays. As a child I lived for Halloween. I loved planning my costume and getting together with friends to go trick or treating. My favorite costume was one that my mother made for a school play when I was picked to be an indian princess. The next year we moved to a different city and I got to wear my indian princess costume again. I adored it, with it's fringed sleeves and hem and the colorful beading. But no matter what costume we wore, the routine was always the same: rush home from school, start getting ready and wait, wait, wait until dusk to go trick or treating. Afterward, my mom made us go through our candy to check for tainted items, razor blades, etc., but we never found any. We'd trade candy for our favorites and give the ones we didn't like to our parents.
As I've gotten older, I don't do the dress up thing as often but I still love to carve jack-o-lanterns, toasting the seeds in a spicy mix while putting the final touches on a scary face, circle of stars, cat with an arched back or whatever design I'd chosen that year. Austin throws a huge Halloween event on 6th Street for costumed adults to drunkenly celebrate at bar after bar after bar. The gay bars in town revel in the holiday, each one packed with outlandishly costumed clientele. You have to love the Carmen Miranda-clad drag queen flirting outrageously with a hard bodied man wearing only a circlet of ivy and a well placed fig leaf. And I always have a good time, whether wearing my Sister Mary Feelgood costume (nun habit with a thigh high slit and red fishnets paired with cha cha heels) or my Bitch costume (just me, add whore red lipstick and a full dose of attitude). Every year finds me just as excited as ever that the holiday has arrived.
What are your plans for Samhain? Do you have a favorite costume?
"Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn and cauldron bubble."
Act 4, Scene 1, Macbeth
~William Shakespeare~
Monday, October 24, 2005
Spandex For Days!
I did spend a little bit of time outdoors this weekend, watching the cyclist race at the Amli Bike Criterium in downtown Austin. The races were exciting, especially the pro men. There was one spectacular crash at the corner of 2nd & Colorado that took out four or five riders. I was bloodthirsty after that, holding onto Frank's shoulder and voicing my desire to see more riders skidding across the asphalt on their butts...major road rash! Frank chided me for wanting to see people get hurt, which calmed my savage nature a bit. The pro's were averaging 38 mph which made the turn in front of the Austin Children's Museum, with it's patch of rough asphalt, particularly treacherous. I had fun cheering on local pro's Zach and Will, both from PureAustin Gym, as they raced toward the finish.
Despite the fact that spandex is a privilege, not a right, there were many non-racers out on their bikes, sporting the skin tight fabric. People, please. I recognize that the fabric is great for it's wicking purposes and that tighter fabric cuts down on nipple burn, but if you are sporting a spare tire and you aren't actually on the bike propelling yourself toward some target location, do us all a favor and throw on a roomy tee shirt. Preferably one that will cover the very distinct outline of your twig & berries. I really don't need to know that much about you.
The one specimen of manhood that I was happy to see was George Hincapie (pictured). He stood next to me for a very short time, watching the pro's, until a gaggle of giggling girls interrupted us, asking if he would pose for pictures. He left as soon as he was done signing autographs, presumably back to his room at the Four Seasons. I'm certain he wanted me to follow him, but being the anti-stalkerish fan that I am, I let him wander off alone. Pity.
Now That the Kitchen is Packed, Of Course I Want to Cook!
I'm through packing up my kitchen in anticipation of the Big Move Out. No sooner did the boxes get taped up did my need to cook surface. I can think of so many things right now that sound fabulous and tasty and are spurring the crave to create a culinary delight. I want to make an omelet with spinach, tomato, roasted garlic and slices of the earthy smoked mozzarella from 
Whole Foods. While taking a pic of my beloved but rarely used hot pink Docs (pictured left) so I can post them on craigslist, I was hit with an urge to mix up a pitcher of refreshing and nicely alcoholic pomegranate champagne cocktails.
I'm jonesing for a bowl of warm from the oven spicy peach cobbler, topped with Blue Bell Natural Vanilla Bean ice cream. I'd stop packing the bathroom up if someone brought over everything I need to make a chicken alfredo pizza. I have been hit with a sudden yearning to learn how to make a fiery hot Thai curry. Or an authentic Indian curry. Or perhaps not a curry at all, but a batch of salsa so tasty and hot that despite the feeling that you may have blistered the roof of your mouth you just can't seem to stop yourself from grabbing another chip to dip.
I want to make ribs, tender and soaked in a citrusy chipotle barbecue sauce. I want to bake gooey and decadent chocolate heart of darkness cakes from the recipe I got off the Food Network's website years ago but have never used.
I'm sure that the longing to cook will remain with me until addressed. Until then, I will daydream my way through cakes and cornbread, roasted pork and rare steaks while finishing my packing.
What sudden crave were you hit with this weekend?
Whole Foods. While taking a pic of my beloved but rarely used hot pink Docs (pictured left) so I can post them on craigslist, I was hit with an urge to mix up a pitcher of refreshing and nicely alcoholic pomegranate champagne cocktails.I'm jonesing for a bowl of warm from the oven spicy peach cobbler, topped with Blue Bell Natural Vanilla Bean ice cream. I'd stop packing the bathroom up if someone brought over everything I need to make a chicken alfredo pizza. I have been hit with a sudden yearning to learn how to make a fiery hot Thai curry. Or an authentic Indian curry. Or perhaps not a curry at all, but a batch of salsa so tasty and hot that despite the feeling that you may have blistered the roof of your mouth you just can't seem to stop yourself from grabbing another chip to dip.
I want to make ribs, tender and soaked in a citrusy chipotle barbecue sauce. I want to bake gooey and decadent chocolate heart of darkness cakes from the recipe I got off the Food Network's website years ago but have never used.
I'm sure that the longing to cook will remain with me until addressed. Until then, I will daydream my way through cakes and cornbread, roasted pork and rare steaks while finishing my packing.
What sudden crave were you hit with this weekend?
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