Fun Times in Knocked Up Land

Let's make this quick. Here's what I've learned lately and what those damn baby books don't really address:

1. You pretty much can't take any meds other than your prenatals, Benadryl and Tylenol. So when Austin allergies bash you upside down and back again, you are left with a throbbing 10lb head full of snot and no functional method of symptom relief. A date with my neti pot helps, but only for about an hour.

2. Hormones. I've never been bitchy. Really. My friends will back me on this. I've always had a laid back attitude and unless seriously provoked, I'm not a hostile woman. Until now. I am soooo full of love and tenderness and joy at the budding life within that if you cut me off on the interstate and then slow down so that I have to slam on my brakes just know that it's only because of the sweet little spawn inside me that I don't DRIVE MY FRICKEN SUV OVER YOUR UNINSURED ASS. Granted, it's a very small SUV but I guarantee that it will snap you out of your hip hop induced coma and make you at least throw the bud you're smoking out before the cops arrive. Because oh yes, there will be cops. And that, my friends, is the hormones just for driving. There's also the raging hormones for stupid people at the grocery store, the asshats at ACL who kept bumping into my baby belly (yeah, I'm showin') and the dizzybizzys who have the nerve to ask me "Are you sure you're not having twins?" No, you dumbass, I am not and have never been a skinny chick. When a big girl gets knocked up we are going to look bigger faster than you anorexic little stickgirls. Thanks for asking. I feel like the Goodyear blimp and I've just entered my 2nd trimester. Wait a few months and I'll completely eclipse your teeny tiny bobble head atop your bulimia-ravaged body. Oh wait, I need a toothpick...perhaps you could be so kind as to lend me your arm?

3. Your uterus and growing placenta is in close proximity to your bladder. Very close. So close that when you have severe allergies and you cough hard, you pee. And if you sneeze, you pee more. It is just plain wrong that I am pregnant and still utilizing feminine hygeine products, even more so that I'm using them like a flippin' diaper. It's embarrassing but it's happened so often this week that I'm beyond my initial self-disgust and sharing this with God and everyone.

4. Saving the worst for last...most of you know I love to cook. I adore cooking shows. I love to plan out and create gourmet meals. Well, during pregnancy some odd things can happen. My morning sickness went away and I was happy because I couldn't face cooking odors for several months without yakking. Now it's worse. I have a complete revulsion for raw beef, pork, fish and fowl. I can barely look at it in the grocery store without getting all over grossed out. I tried to make pork stir fry and was so revolted when I was slices up the raw meat that I just couldn't eat dinner. It's irrational and I don't like it but I don't have any control over it. I can certainly eat if it's placed in front of me, already cooked. I just can't deal with the raw stuff. I'm hoping this goes away in time. I'm sick of eating out, tired of frozen meals and completely over fast food. I want homecooked goodness. And I want it without feeling as if I'm going to puke.

5. Beer aromatherapy works. I can't drink it but a good sniff is deeply satisfying.

Addicted to Project Runway

It's true. I'm addicted to Project Runway. Which is amusing because I'm a fashion mess. However poorly dressed I may be, at least I'm fairly easy to get along with and play nicely with others. And that's a trait that many of the designers don't possess.

Spoiler Alert!! If you haven't watched your Tivo'd or DVR'd episode for this week, do not read any further. You will find out who won and who lost and you'll be angry at me. So please, stop reading, go back to work or doing whatever it is that you may otherwise be doing. Thank you!

In this week's episode we had all the Type A designers in total twisted panty mode, flipping out over trying to make an outfit out of things used to make Saturn cars. It actually turned out quite well for most of them. A few were downright spectacular, including the winning dress and a fabulous 60's style coat dress. What do you think of Leanne's winning black car seat leather dress with the neckline edged in fringed seatbelt? I think it rocks!







Anyway, each week I'm glued to the television, laughing over the drama and eye rolling the horrible designs. As if I could do better. I'm just happy that Suede finally stopped referring to himself in the third person (it's true! Last night he said "I"). And I'm waiting for the day when Kenley's true colors are revealed to all. She's the cutie pie all American retro girl next door who looks sweet as gumdrops and Southern tea. Hah! I predict she's the most cut throat of them all, who will laugh happily at any signs of backstabbing.

I was happy that Keith went home this week. He has not shown much diversity (a key word this season) although he did at least have more imagination than Daniel (kicked off last week). Next up is Stella, although she may surprise me and outlast Blayne. Stella strikes me as more hungry for this than tanorexic Blayne, so she may pull off something magnificent next week. Of course that would be after she spends the weekend with a few bottles of Jack, chainsmoking and talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Her boyfriend who's nicknamed "Ratbone". I love this show.

1st Trimester Schoolin': The Cliff Notes

I've learned a few things in my first trimester and I thought I'd pass them on to other mom-wanna-be's and those women who've just found out they're with child. Here's my Cliff Notes version of a first trimester handbook.

• No matter what, someone will automatically volunteer to throw you a baby shower upon hearing your news. Do not, I repeat, do not allow them to buy a cake shaped like a pregnant woman's tummy. The idea of cutting into your placenta, uterus and baby may be cutesy to them but trust me when I say it's disgusting.
• Morning sickness is most unusual. You will be completely queasy and starving at the same time. Seconds after puking, the idea of eating mac 'n cheese sounds marvelous. Think of it as renting your food.
• You will start to show well before the baby books say you will. When you read "at this point in your pregnancy, your waistlines may start to feel tight and you might feel bloated or a fullness in your abdomen" it really means "you're pooching out, all your pants are too tight so go ahead and buy those comfy maternity clothes".
• You will feel fat. So why not buy maternity clothes so that you can be fat in the only way it's celebrated in the U.S.A.? Seriously, this is the only time someone will coo at you "oh, your face is getting fuller" and think that it's beautiful. Enjoy it.
• As your uterus grows, it presses on your bladder. You'll read about how in the third trimester you've gotta pee all the time. Nonsense! It starts immediately. And, if you have bad allergies, think about wearing a panty liner. Yes, sneezing=sudden increased pressure on bladder. Uh huh. Trust me on this one. Be prepared. I wake up at midnight and 3 am for bathroom breaks. If you have a messy bedroom, clear a path for those half asleep stumblings from bed to toliet.
• Food is a whole 'nother piece of business. Foods you love will suddenly revolt you. Foods you avoided will entice you. I haven't been able to cook because raw foods send me running for the bathroom. Cooking smells are guaranteed to induce vomiting. And odd cravings pop up. Suddenly, fish sticks sound fabulous for dinner, despite the fact you haven't eaten them since you were a teen.
• Libido. You may or may not have one. If you had one prior to pregnancy, it might disappear. If you didn't have one you may be shocked to discover your latent nymphomania.
• Hormones are hell on your face and emotions. Not only will you look like a 9th grader who needs to visit the dermatologist, you will feel like one. All those swirling emotions are lurking just under the surface, ready to erupt into tears or bitchiness or sudden co-dependent clinginess (or see above, nymphomania).

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure I'll have many more revelations to share as the months go by.

Beware the Ides of March

Because apparently somewhere around March 15th, 2009 is when I'm going to start buying diapers and selling a kidney on the black market in trade for a lifetime supply of Valium for Jaime. Yes, it's true. I found out a week before I turned 41 that we're expecting.

Expecting. "Expecting" is such a nice term. It doesn't quite describe the feelings I've had in the last weeks. It's more like I'm wandering around, in partial disbelief that there is something! happening! inside me! and I'm half asleep all day with a chest so sore I'd swear someone had torn my boobs off and the slightest whiff of a strong odor has me gagging. Goodbye, coffee. Vodka, I know you'll be there in time. Thanks for waiting.

After a few minor freak outs and some tears (mine, not Jaime's) we are both pretty darn excited about this crazy turn of events. We've gone over baby names, totally prematurely, since we have no clue yet if it's a boy or a girl. We do know there is only one. Jaime made sure my doctor checked at the first visit and again at the second visit, just in case. If he comes to the third visit, he'll probably ask again in the unlikely event that a miracle has occurred and we made another somehow.

So...baby name choices are being tossed around. At the same time, we're house hunting. Life just doesn't slow down and let you catch up. You gotta jump on the carousel while it's still moving so you can get the best seat, right?