Tuesday, August 26, 2008

1st Trimester Schoolin': The Cliff Notes

I've learned a few things in my first trimester and I thought I'd pass them on to other mom-wanna-be's and those women who've just found out they're with child. Here's my Cliff Notes version of a first trimester handbook.
  • No matter what, someone will automatically volunteer to throw you a baby shower upon hearing your news. Do not, I repeat, do not allow them to buy a cake shaped like a pregnant woman's tummy. The idea of cutting into your placenta, uterus and baby may be cutesy to them but trust me when I say it's disgusting.
  • Morning sickness is most unusual. You will be completely queasy and starving at the same time. Seconds after puking, the idea of eating mac 'n cheese sounds marvelous. Think of it as renting your food.
  • You will start to show well before the baby books say you will. When you read "at this point in your pregnancy, your waistlines may start to feel tight and you might feel bloated or a fullness in your abdomen" it really means "you're pooching out, all your pants are too tight so go ahead and buy those comfy maternity clothes".
  • You will feel fat. So why not buy maternity clothes so that you can be fat in the only way it's celebrated in the U.S.A.? Seriously, this is the only time someone will coo at you "oh, your face is getting fuller" and think that it's beautiful. Enjoy it.
  • As your uterus grows, it presses on your bladder. You'll read about how in the third trimester you've gotta pee all the time. Nonsense! It starts immediately. And, if you have bad allergies, think about wearing a panty liner. Yes, sneezing=sudden increased pressure on bladder. Uh huh. Trust me on this one. Be prepared. I wake up at midnight and 3 am for bathroom breaks. If you have a messy bedroom, clear a path for those half asleep stumblings from bed to toliet.
  • Food is a whole 'nother piece of business. Foods you love will suddenly revolt you. Foods you avoided will entice you. I haven't been able to cook because raw foods send me running for the bathroom. Cooking smells are guaranteed to induce vomiting. And odd cravings pop up. Suddenly, fish sticks sound fabulous for dinner, despite the fact you haven't eaten them since you were a teen.
  • Libido. You may or may not have one. If you had one prior to pregnancy, it might disappear. If you didn't have one you may be shocked to discover your latent nymphomania.
  • Hormones are hell on your face and emotions. Not only will you look like a 9th grader who needs to visit the dermatologist, you will feel like one. All those swirling emotions are lurking just under the surface, ready to erupt into tears or bitchiness or sudden co-dependent clinginess (or see above, nymphomania).

That's all I've got for now. I'm sure I'll have many more revelations to share as the months go by.


Amanda Barras said...

Although I find your words enlightening, I am not ready to run out and find a man willing to do the deed. I know your happy so for you I am happy. But, I am sorry to say that this is one your gana have to do without me. Good luck with the eating etc... Let me know if you need anything.


Anita (aka Angelnina) said...

How are you?
I laughed at this and you brought all of the memories back. You're right about the so-called "bloating". I was only 18 at the time, and couldn't wear anything but draw string peddle pushers for the first two months. The second trimester was better for me (at around 5 months).
I hope you are happy and healthy.