Today's Bizarro News

I love the news. Here are some of my favorite stories today.

1. Naked parolee arrested for concealed weapon. Not only did he have an electrical tape covered weapon in his rectum, but also he was lying on a tree stump, masturbating by a nature trail.
2. A dead South Dakota woman won her race to become county commissioner and another dead Houston woman was re-elected to the Texas House of Representatives. What an ego blow to their live opponents!
3. The tropical island paradise of Barbados is being overrun by ravenous giant snails, prompting a nocturnal snail hunt last weekend. The hunts will be ongoing for a few more weekends, with volunteers concentrating on the breeding grounds where the snails emerge at nightfall after a day spent underground. This is better than a made-for-tv-movie on the Sci Fi channel, folks.
4. A 22 year old New Jersey woman is suing a Manhattan bar for injuries received in a "Shake-It-Like-Shakira" contest. She says she only had 2 drinks. Yeah, right.
5. And today the Ukraine receives my vote for most unappealing chocolate treat. Salo, long a popular foodstuff, is now being dipped in chocolate for wider appeal. This is one "exotic food" that I promise you I won't be tasting.
6. The chairman of the board of the Canadian Broadcast Company, Guy Fournier, voluntarily resigned amid uproar over controversial remarks he's made. It seems he believes that bestiality is okay in Lebanon, as long as the animal is a female. He also stated that in old age, a satisfying poo is more physically pleasurable and happens more often than an orgasm.
7. Inmates in the Dallas County, Missouri jail are back in their newly painted cells. The redecoration features pink walls with blue teddy bear accents.
8. An 8,000 calorie burger has hit the market in the U.S. Sold at Tempe, Arizona's Heart Attack Grill, the sandwich comes with a side of Flatliner Fries and either a soda or beer. And I thought the chocolate covered salo was a bad idea. It probably has less calories.
9. In the U.K, a 2 year old toddler is mugged for his cell phone. Even more entertaining is that he was holding his father's phone after the dad bribed him with it in exchange for getting the boy to give up a chocolate candy.
10. Doctors are amazed at the objects found concealed in the fold and crevices of a 500lb woman's body. Lost your remote control recently?