Thursday, May 11, 2006

The Downright Dirty Blues

Do you ever get the blues? Do you ever get so disenchanted, so downhearted that all you wanna do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head? I do. And it's odd, because I am usually an upbeat, cheerful, let's-look-on-the-sunny-side-of-life kinda girl.

Lately, however, Vitamin X (that's Xanax, not Ecstasy) has been a good friend. So has my therapist. I lucked into her in March. In recent days I have been so far down in the dumps that all I want to do after work is go straight home, eat 5 pieces of fried chicken and cry. Probably the crying is more because my tummy is upset from the grease, but hey, it could also be that I'm pure and simple, plain ole sad.

So far 2006 hasn't been so delightful. It's been more like 4 months and 11 days of physical illness, emotional upheaval and walking a fine line on the precipice of mental illness with a few good days thrown in solely to ensure I don't actually present myself at Shoal Creek Hospital. Okay, so I exaggerate, but seriously folks, my internist did write me a scrip for a 30 day supply of Xanax before warning me that he won't refill it. And at least 2 of the people closest to me can vouch for the fact that on several occasions I have exhibited temporary insanity. That they're still around after behavior that will clear you from a murder charge shows me that they mean it when they say they love me. Now this month has started off like a runaway rollercoaster to hell. I can't even bring myself to ask "what next?" for fear of what may really be next.

All I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that there is a reason and a purpose for everything. There is some lesson that I am supposed to be learning, there is some job I am supposed to complete, there is some person that will benefit from all of the shit I've been swimming through. And maybe so will I.

I don't write this posting to elicit supportive emails and comments from those of you whom I count on as my extended family. To paraphrase a line from a 4 Non Blondes song, I just needed to get it all out, what's in my head.


Anonymous said...

Well, what happened to your eudaemonic life????? Maybe-- possibly-- there is more to life than "living a eudaemonic life".

Kaya said...

My eudamonic life is still in place. I am human enough to admit that even with a life that "produces happiness" there is always going to be times when it is a rough road. If we didn't have the tragic and sad times, we wouldn't appreciate our joyful moments as much. Even through a period of trial tinged with sadness, I see the beautiful parts of life. I can laugh through the pain. What about you?

Anonymous said...

'Maybe-- possibly--' anonymous needs to get of the coach!