Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Needles and music and moxa, oh my!


I had my very first acupuncture experience last night. I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the friend who’d given me a gift certificate always raves about how great she feels after her session. I know most people use acupuncture to treat ailments or injuries, but I wasn’t certain what my goal or target was since, well, I have more medical crap going on than most octogenarians in China. Because acupuncture is a traditional Chinese medicine, those healthy seniors must be onto something.

When I arrived, the first thing that captured my attention wasn’t the pot of hot water and varieties of tea bags, the bottled water, Eastern religion figurines and artwork or the soft music. It was the smell. There was a distinct odor in the air that I hadn’t smelled since my last visit to a college dormitory. Kind of a sweet yet musky, cloying aroma. Yup. It was the scent of really low quality marijuana.

As she was ushering me into a private room, my acupuncturist quickly explained that the odor was not cheap pot but a recompounded herb called Moxa, derived from mug worth. Their office burned it as part of the treatment and in lieu of other incense.

Once in the room, we went over the health history questionnaire I’d filled out and determined that my focus for the visit would be simply, a fresh start. I’m embarking on several personal growth projects and need a clear mind and refreshed body. As soon as the decision was made, my acupuncturist grabbed her needles and went to work.

Picture this: you’re laying in your underwear on a massage table, covered by a sheet, pillow under your knees and a few strategically placed heat lamps warming you. Your legs are uncovered from the knee down, and your arms are on top of the covers. Suddenly, a needle is poked into the side of your calf. Strangely enough, no pain.

My friends know I’m needle shy. The surprise of having no pain was short lived, however, when the second needle insertion sent a tingle down my other calf, much like a weak electrical shock. I was more nervous than hurt, but I did have to engage in some relaxation breathing so I wouldn’t feel stressed at the thought of more needles.

In short time I had needles in my feet, near the insides of my elbows, at my wrists and in the webbing of my thumb and forefinger, at the top of the bridge of my nose between my eyebrows, sternum and even in the crown of my head. The acupuncturist patted me and told me she was leaving me for about 25 minutes to go “release someone”. She said I may feel sleepy or like I’m drifting in and out of consciousness.

I lay there, soothing music in the background, heat lamps on and felt exactly like a bug pinned to an entomologist’s specimen board. Well, maybe not a regular bug…perhaps a prettily colored butterfly. I did drift off to a state of semi-consciousness, drowsily clearing my mind until a sharp rat-a-tat, rat-a-tat-tat threw me back into reality. My eyes flew open just to see a cardinal perched outside the window, tapping at the glass. As soon as I lifted my head, he flew off. Odd, but it really seemed as if he knew he was rousing me from relaxation.

After a comfortable amount of time, my acupuncturist returned, removed the needles and had me flip over onto my tummy. She then inserted a needle several inches below my neck, in the upper part of my back, and two in my lower back, an area that has always been sensitive to touch, whether it’s wind, fingertips or otherwise. This is where the moxa came into play. The burning of the herb on my body produced a localized heat that spread through me in a deliciously soporific manner. I could have lain there for hours, feeling less like a pinned down bug and more like a pampered socialite at an expensive spa.

Leaving the office was entertaining. I felt languorous, almost as if I was in an altered state of consciousness. And yes, folks, I drove home. The rest of the evening can be summed up this way: ate dinner, drank copious amounts of water, sank into a deep, deep sleep. I’ve definitely become a fan of the needle.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

My Roommates Think I'm Crazy

We've upgraded our kitchen with a new fridge & stove this week. Thanks to Darren's impeccable taste, we have a gorgeous stainless and black side by side refridgerator and matching gas stove. Because of his impeccable taste, he decided to save money and install the stove himself, with OR's help (other roomie, David). Before you immediately freak, please keep in mind that Darren does a majority of our home repairs, from plumbing to weather stripping to painting, etc. He isn't your typical flaming queer...he knows how to do more than a trendy faux finish and window treatments. Think of him as all of the Queer Eye guys combined.

They had some trouble with the gas hose, since the old one appeared to have been built into the wall since the dawn of time. In fact, it wouldn't unscrew at all. So now we have the old hose attached to the new hose attached to the stove. The next day I came home and immediately announced I smelled gas. Sure, it was faint, but my nose knows. And since it wasn't overpowering, I knew it wasn't the dog.

OR arrived home from work and confirmed he, too, could smell something although he wasn't certain it was natural gas. Darren thought the house smelled musty. Our house is usually devoid of foul odors, unless you count the cat box right after Jenny Craig has made a deposit, so my panic set in. Darren had a dinner planned for our friends and I was terrified we were going to die in a fiery explosion that would rock the neighborhood and be felt as far away as Slaughter Lane.

Darren & OR listened to my worries of impending doom for a short while (about 3 minutes) before deciding I was crazy. After calling the gas company and being transferred to the emergency gas leak department, they were irritated as well as firmly certain I was crazy. The gas company said a tech was on his way out and to please not turn any lights, appliances, cell phones or computers on. I meekly asked what could happen if all of the above were already in use (the t.v., washer & dryer, dishwasher, my cell phone, numerous lights AND a lighted candle that Darren was employing to show me my fears were unfounded). The gas company representative admonished me to leave it all on but to please wait outside the home.

After turning off the lights, the boys decided to go to the grocery store. I blew out the candle in the living room, grabbed Harley's leash and a Lone Star and went outside to wait on the gas company. Yes, I left Jenny Craig indoors to fend for herself.

The tech, Pete, arrived just as Darren & OR got back from HEB. He listened to my story and said that he didn't know me well enough to confirm I was crazy but he'd definitely be able to tell us if there was a leak. The boys assured Pete that there was no need to debate my insanity, whether or not a leak was found. A scant 10 minutes later Pete was back outside to discuss the findings.

He found no major leak but said the hose-on-hose action was a major taboo. The old hose is badly in need of replacement and could have a minor leak that he was unable to detect. Pete said the odor added to gas is much stronger than the actual amount of gas leaked, and our home was safe. He did caution us to replace the hose with one single new one.

I endured the wisecracks from the guys all evening, but hey, it's better to be safe than sorry. Or crispy crittered.

And Darren made a fantastic spaghetti & meatball feast, with no explosions or other catastrophies. Those of us lucky enough to eat his balls can tell you they are quite tasty. Just a hint of garlic, a whiff of thyme and a kiss of oregano. Delicious!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Nothing Says Love Like a Humiliators Show at Trophy's

My favorite ATX rockers pulled off another fabulous show last night. I heart The Humiliators. Because it was the lovers holiday, the guys pulled out all the stops in rockin' the house. The stage featured a Godzilla-like creature, clawed hands in air and toothy snout open wide in a snarl. The King of Monsters turned from side to side and spewed out a haze of smoke, much to the audience's delight.

The band played at Trophy's, one of the dives in Austin that "forgets" there is a no smoking ordinance. I definitely do not miss the days of free-for-all smoking in clubs. Another interesting bit of trivia about the bar is useful knowledge for the ladies. The bathroom door doesn't lock, but there is a piece of knotted rope attached to it and a handy nail on the right side of the door frame. Also, the bathrooms aren't heated, so last night I think my potty break was less than 20 seconds long, from dropping trou to washing my hands.

The group's tight sound had me grooving along with the infectious beat. Their original tunes are a refreshing change from the cover bands heard all over town. If you want plain jane rock & roll, go troll the shows on 6th Street. If you want hard hitting, down and dirty fun times jam, come to the next Humiliator's show. There's one tonight at 11pm at Headhunter's on the patio stage.

And ladies, don't forget to throw your panties on stage. It's tradition. Last night the drummer took home a naughty little scarlet lace thong. Show 'em some love and leave 'em with your undies.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Screw You, Cupid


I hate Valentine's Day. There, I've said it. I think I've had only one, maybe two good VD's, ever. And even those had drama attached---or whisperings of drama to come.

No, I'm not dating anyone. No, I've never been married. Yes, I've been in long term relationships. Some of my exes are actually still speaking to me. Well, wait....at least one. Would I be lying if I said I wasn't bitter? You betcha. At least I admit it, own it. I'm bitter because I'm no one's Valentine. So this year I'm pooh poohing the holiday. Screw you, Cupid.


One of my good Valentine Day's was when I had a different date for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The drama was that I was in a relationship and obviously a cheating player. I think perhaps I haven't paid that karma off yet. It's doomed all the VD's to follow. My bad karma is still hanging over me. Damnit, why couldn't I have been a good girl when I was younger? I'm paying the price now.


Last year was good, but those of you in the know just winced. Uh huh. At least I can laugh about Bradley's chocolate box. Bradley had the sweetest smelling chocolate box ever. And he had cherubs flying out of his chocolate box. You know I adore you, Sperm Donor. Let me know if you're working on Wednesday...so I can stop by to sniff your chocolate box again.


I am going to put my free time tomorrow to good use and go throw my panties onstage at Trophy's. The Humiliators storm the stage at 9pm. Nothing says "I love you" like my thong landing on the bass player, right? Who wants to meet up with me? B.Y.O.C.C. Bring your own calcones & cash....Trophy's does not accept credit cards. They's old skool.

I'm not the only person who feels this way. Like the card I saw on Postsecret today, which is posted at the top of the blog. Yes, I have company out there. I think our spot is ready at the restaurant of Love. "Bitter, party of thousands, your table is ready. Bitter?"

So smack me on the ass and tell me it gets better. That we pair off like Noah's animals on the ark. That one day my prince will come. Or tell me that this is reality and I need to shut up, stop whining and make the best of my world.

And to those of you whom I love with all my heart, you know that you are my Valentines. My friends, familia and my special R-M family...I heart you all.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter—bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
"Because it is bitter,"
And because it is my heart."
—Stepen Cranefrom The Black Riders and Other Lines