Today's Bizarro News

I love the news. Here are some of my favorite stories today.

1. Naked parolee arrested for concealed weapon. Not only did he have an electrical tape covered weapon in his rectum, but also he was lying on a tree stump, masturbating by a nature trail.
2. A dead South Dakota woman won her race to become county commissioner and another dead Houston woman was re-elected to the Texas House of Representatives. What an ego blow to their live opponents!
3. The tropical island paradise of Barbados is being overrun by ravenous giant snails, prompting a nocturnal snail hunt last weekend. The hunts will be ongoing for a few more weekends, with volunteers concentrating on the breeding grounds where the snails emerge at nightfall after a day spent underground. This is better than a made-for-tv-movie on the Sci Fi channel, folks.
4. A 22 year old New Jersey woman is suing a Manhattan bar for injuries received in a "Shake-It-Like-Shakira" contest. She says she only had 2 drinks. Yeah, right.
5. And today the Ukraine receives my vote for most unappealing chocolate treat. Salo, long a popular foodstuff, is now being dipped in chocolate for wider appeal. This is one "exotic food" that I promise you I won't be tasting.
6. The chairman of the board of the Canadian Broadcast Company, Guy Fournier, voluntarily resigned amid uproar over controversial remarks he's made. It seems he believes that bestiality is okay in Lebanon, as long as the animal is a female. He also stated that in old age, a satisfying poo is more physically pleasurable and happens more often than an orgasm.
7. Inmates in the Dallas County, Missouri jail are back in their newly painted cells. The redecoration features pink walls with blue teddy bear accents.
8. An 8,000 calorie burger has hit the market in the U.S. Sold at Tempe, Arizona's Heart Attack Grill, the sandwich comes with a side of Flatliner Fries and either a soda or beer. And I thought the chocolate covered salo was a bad idea. It probably has less calories.
9. In the U.K, a 2 year old toddler is mugged for his cell phone. Even more entertaining is that he was holding his father's phone after the dad bribed him with it in exchange for getting the boy to give up a chocolate candy.
10. Doctors are amazed at the objects found concealed in the fold and crevices of a 500lb woman's body. Lost your remote control recently?

Hindsight...

My quote of the day that has me thinking and re-thinking and struggling to stretch my mind past the limitations I've imposed upon myself.

"We will come to understand the part a difficult circumstance has played in our lives. Hindsight makes so much clear. The broken marriage, the lost job, the loneliness have all contributed to who we are becoming. The joy of the wisdom we are acquiring is that hindsight comes more quickly. We can, on occasion, begin to accept a difficult situation's contribution to our wholeness while caught in the turmoil."

~KAREN CASEY, Each Day a New Beginning

Now if only the part about "hindsight comes more quickly" were true for me...ah well, live and learn. That's what it's all about, I suppose.

FunFunFun Fest!

Yes, another music festival! But this time it will be cooler temps and hot music headlining at Waterloo Park on December 1st. The FunFunFun Fest features three stages: Punk, Indie and Austin Fusion VJ/DJ. You can catch Spoon, Circle Jerks, Riverboat Gamblers and Thomas Turner's Ghostland Observatory DJ Set. Tix are $20 and available online here. No pets or outside food & bevies allowed.

This one day event can be just the kickoff you need for a night of live music. Gates open at 1pm, music starts at 2pm and stops at 10pm, just in time for you to hit the Warehouse District or Red River for more, more, more. Or leave an hour early and catch Ziggy Marley at La Zona Rosa. And for those of you in my age bracket or a bit older, head straight for Antone's and sing along at the K-Tel Hit Machine and the Tosca Strings show at 10pm. K-Tel Hit Machine made their mark on the 2006 Austin Chronicle Best Of as the "best reason to pawn your karaoke machine".

Uncharacteristically Quiet

The headline says it all. From Friday at 4pm until this morning my car left the driveway only once, and only because I couldn't avoid it. I have been stuck down by the most passed around virus of all (get your mind out of the gutters), the common cold. Just how much snot can the human head hold? One website claims that on the peak day of a cold the amount produced is equal to half an ounce. I'm willing to wager that I've produced half an ounce in half an hour.

So wave your tissues at me in sympathy and pass me some chicken soup. I spent my weekend either in bed or on the couch, in jammies almost 100% of the time and watched more television than I've seen in years. Actually, if you added up the hours I spent watching t.v. this weekend it is probably about what I view in a month or more. Let's just say that yes, I did see Flava Flav reunited with Deelishus on the last episode of Flavor of Love Season 2. I just can't accept that there are women in this world who finds the Public Enemy rapper attractive. He's ghetto rank. And no, that isn't some new hipster phrase that means the opposite of what Webster says. I mean he is nothing but street disgusting. Any man who can father 6 children (a 7th is on the way) and not pay child support doesn't deserve any part of the good life.