Screw You, Cupid

I hate Valentine's Day. There, I've said it. I think I've had only one, maybe two good VD's, ever. And even those had drama attached---or whisperings of drama to come.

No, I'm not dating anyone. No, I've never been married. Yes, I've been in long term relationships. Some of my exes are actually still speaking to me. Well, wait....at least one. Would I be lying if I said I wasn't bitter? You betcha. At least I admit it, own it. I'm bitter because I'm no one's Valentine. So this year I'm pooh poohing the holiday. Screw you, Cupid.

One of my good Valentine Day's was when I had a different date for breakfast, lunch and dinner. The drama was that I was in a relationship and obviously a cheating player. I think perhaps I haven't paid that karma off yet. It's doomed all the VD's to follow. My bad karma is still hanging over me. Damnit, why couldn't I have been a good girl when I was younger? I'm paying the price now.

Last year was good, but those of you in the know just winced. Uh huh. At least I can laugh about Bradley's chocolate box. Bradley had the sweetest smelling chocolate box ever. And he had cherubs flying out of his chocolate box. You know I adore you, Sperm Donor. Let me know if you're working on Wednesday...so I can stop by to sniff your chocolate box again.

I am going to put my free time tomorrow to good use and go throw my panties onstage at Trophy's. The Humiliators storm the stage at 9pm. Nothing says "I love you" like my thong landing on the bass player, right? Who wants to meet up with me? B.Y.O.C.C. Bring your own calcones & cash....Trophy's does not accept credit cards. They's old skool.

I'm not the only person who feels this way. Like the card I saw on Postsecret today, which is posted at the top of the blog. Yes, I have company out there. I think our spot is ready at the restaurant of Love. "Bitter, party of thousands, your table is ready. Bitter?"

So smack me on the ass and tell me it gets better. That we pair off like Noah's animals on the ark. That one day my prince will come. Or tell me that this is reality and I need to shut up, stop whining and make the best of my world.

And to those of you whom I love with all my heart, you know that you are my Valentines. My friends, familia and my special R-M family...I heart you all.

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter—bitter," he answered;

"But I like it

"Because it is bitter,"

And because it is my heart."

—Stepen Cranefrom The Black Riders and Other Lines

Songs That Define My 80's Experience Part 2

Continuing on with my 80's music theme, here are more songs that spark a memory or nostalgic flashback for me. I linked them to youtube videos for your viewing pleasure.

"She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper - In 1984 it was racy and scandalous to even talk about girls indulging in one-person-sex, much less sing about it. Cyndi busted through the uptight attitudes and celebrated "good vibrations" in her catchy pop tune. My friends and I giggled and blushed knowingly whenever it came on the radio.

"Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! - further cementing my love for gay men, I immediately fell for George Michael. My gay high school pal, Stace, was the first to clue me in on his sexual orientation...same as he did for Boy George. Yes, I was a bit naive back then and my gaydar hadn't developed yet. Now we know, if I'm attracted, the man is either gay or married. Or both.

"St Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion)" by John Parr - This song immediately calls to mind my first girlfriend, Angela. I can't hear it or see the movie without thinking back to that first love, the all consuming, young hearts on fire, passionate craze of emotion. That, and remembering the look on my sister's face when she walked in on us fooling around.

"The Wild Boys" by Duran Duran - Guaranteed to get me on the dance floor doing my best tragic dance moves, this song was also sung as loudly as possible while cruising Forsythe Park and the West Monroe mall. I think it is the perfect theme song for an all male burlesque review.

"Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco - Fresh off my falling in love with Chrysostomus Wolfgangus Theophilus Mozart's music, and the 1984 hit movie, Falco entertained me with his silly yet loveable song. I also loved "Der Kommissar". Like Amadeus, Falco died at an early age. When I hear this song, it makes me want to hear "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik".

"Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby - The song that was playing the first time I ventured into a gay bar. I'll never forget the women-dressed-like-men and the bartendress who called me "baby" and checked out my legs. I was the only person there wearing a skirt, and that includes the one bad drag queen. I was terrified and honestly thought I'd have a panic attack or that somewhere in my parents' house a light had gone off on a board marked "She's gone to the dark side and will never be back...it's so much more fun there.". This is the song that started me on 20 years (and still counting) of hanging in the gay bars. What? You thought it would be something by Dead Or Alive?

"(I've Had) The Time of My Life" by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes - There's nothing that will bring back my first semester at LSU faster than this song. I watched Dirty Dancing over and over and incorporated the message of the movie into my life. And what do I think that message is? "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!" Yes, thus cementing my lifelong role as an attention whore.

And last in my list, which could've been much longer than this two-parter is "Miss You Much" by Janet Jackson. I had just moved to Austin after a brief stint in OKC and this song never failed to remind me that life just isn't the same without Freddy. It also reminds me of Jo, the dyke who managed the Taco Mayo where we'd go for dirt cheap food. She liked me, so she'd let us bring beer in as long as we were discreet and poured it into TM cups. Toward the end "dirt cheap" meant "free" and "she liked me" warped into "was obsessed". It's all good.

Songs That Define My 80's Experience - Part 1

Everyone has songs that give them a flashback to a moment in time. I thought I'd share a few with ya'll and tell you what snippet of 1980's emotion or event I relive when hearing the song.

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler - This is the ultimate 1983 cruising with my girlfriends song. We'd pour all our frustrated hormones into singing the lyrics as loudly as we could.

"And I need you now tonight / And I need you more than ever / And if you only hold me tight / We'll be holding on forever / And we'll only be making it right / Cause we'll never be wrong / Together we can take it to the end of the line / Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time / I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark / We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks / I really need you tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight / Forever's gonna start tonight"

It was probably a bad karaoke moment, fueled by Boone's Farm Tickled Pink but hey, it was all about living in the moment. (Yes, underage drinking went hand in hand with cruising. No wonder so many of my high school friends died in drunk driving accidents.)

"Mickey" by Toni Basil - This 1982 smash was an instant hit and had every girl in our school singing along. This song doesn't bring back a specific memory, but more of a general feeling of happiness, teen crushes and unrequited love.

"Another Brick in the Wall" by Pink Floyd - Okay, it was on their 1979 album, but since I was in a podunk town in Louisiana, we didn't hear it until the 80's so cut me some slack. As a teen, I had no defineable insight into how this song speaks volumes about social reform and anti-establishment sentiments. I just knew it was cool and anti-school. The local top 40 radio station, FM102 played it every year on the last day of school.

"867-5309 (Jenny)" by Tommy Tutone - Catchy, memorable and still serves a very useful purpose. All the girls in my high school did it and probably still do: give out Jenny's number as our own to drunk guys insisting that they're the future love of our life. The video is great for immortalizing the skinny ties and bandanas that we thought were so cool. Only in my school we folded the bandana into an inch wide strip, knotted it in the middle and tied it in the back as if it were a fabric necklace. Go figure. It was the 80's.

"Open Arms" by Journey - I can't hear this song without thinking of my crazy mad unrequited love for Travis Flock. We danced only one slow dance together and it was, of course, this tune. Like girls are wont to do for their first loves, I still have a soft spot for him in my heart.

"Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring - We sang this over and over all the way to Florida on a St. Paschal's youth group trip. On the trip I bought some orange blossom perfume that made me smell like the very cheapest of skid row whores and a nifty tee shirt with my name airbrushed on it.

"Mr Roboto" by Styx - Thank you, Kevin for having a driver's license and a truck. Because you did (and you were cute) I asked you to go to the Styx concert in Ruston at Louisiana Tech. I wish I could remember your last name. I can't forget that you "love me a fountain Coke", the concert was incredible, I saved for a month for the tickets, and on our way home you had to pull off highway onto the shoulder and run around the truck to fight off fatigue. I still can't believe my parents let us go to another town for a concert.

"Footloose" by Kenny Loggins - It was Tami, Kimi Rosa, Kim and Kay at the movies, rooting for Ren and Ariel, Willard and Rusty to triumph over the ultra strict religious ban of dancing and rock and roll, not to mention Ariel's bady boy ex. The movie launched the careers of Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Penn but catapulted Kevin Bacon into stardom. For my friends and I, the movie showed us that if we believe in something good and do our best to promote it, we'll win out over wrong every time. And we played the album until it was scratched and skipped. The music still makes me want to dance. Viewing the movie as an adult, it's pretty darn hokey...but I love it anyway. And will someone please buy me Ariel's red boots?

"The Reflex" by Duran Duran - brings back my MTV watching days. My friend Toni, sister Kim and whomever else was home at the time would watch hours of MTV (back when they showed videos). It was cutting edge technology to us.

Which leads me to "Thiller" by Michael Jackson - quite possibly the best video ever made. We had a premiere watching party and cheered when the video started. The video marked the first time Jacko said to a girl "I hope you like me the way I like you...I'm not like other guys. I mean, I'm different." Wonder if he used that line on Debbie Rowe?

"I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan - Not only is this a damn good song, but for me it immortalizes Stace Cascio. Stace lived with us briefly when his parents kicked him out for coming out. He met with tragedy in the 90's after shady dealings with drug runners. His tortured and mutilated body was unearthed in a shallow grave in Columbia, a victim of drug traffickers. My first openly gay male friend taught me that believing in yourself is of utmost importance, laughter is a daily requirement, Capri cigarettes are cool and we must must must start off our ride to school by popping in the cassette and playing this song over and over. I love you, Stace, but I still haven't forgiven you for that hit of poppers you "gave" me while I was asleep on the road trip to St. Francisville. When I get to Heaven we're gonna talk about that.

To be continued!

Holiday Slugfest is Over!

Yes, it's true. I spent the holidays having a fabulous time with my friends. We ate, we drank, we played. We ate & drank & played again. We ate...well, you get the picture. Did I work out? Ummm...only if rushing to the bar at last call counts for sprinting. Am I back in the saddle? Yes! The slugfest season celebrating couch potatoes is officially over. You know which one I'm talking about, right? Starts at Halloween or as I like to call it, Hallowine, and goes through New Year's.

I am coaching a walking group for the Cap 10K in March. Austin Fit head walking coach Elayne is tag teaming with me on Thursday nights. We've enjoyed the first few weeks of training, although we're walking on sidewalks and streets. I prefer to walk on the trail since it's so much softer. Concrete and asphalt are unforgiving. My walkers are great and I have a soft spot for one of them already. She doesn't quite believe she can do 6.2 miles. I know she can, if only out of stubborness and personal dedication. She was our ONLY walker who showed up on week 2, when temps dipped and abnormally chilly weather ruled the evening. Mmmhmm, she'll be fine.

I had a blast, blast, blast over the weekend. On Saturday I manned a water stop for AF's 21 miler, the last long run before the AT&T Marathon & Half-Marathon. We had all the usual water stop goodies: water, Gatorade, bananas, gummy bears, salted boiled potatoes, pretzels, cookies, chocolate and mimosas. What? Yes, mimosas. How do you think we kept warm? We offered up band aids, vaseline and rides back for a few runners who were courting injury if they kept going. We were only a few miles from the finish, but there's no sense risking harm so close to the marathon. Our water stop had the added advantage of being in the Double Dave's Pizzawork's parking lot. Mmmmm. Guess what lunch was? Yup. Cheese pizza.

Our volunteers were terrific, as usual. When the other water stops starting closing down, more volunteers came to join us. I can honestly say this was the best staffed stop, ever. And possibly the one with the most unusual topics of conversation. Our gabbing zigzagged from New Jersey squirrels with lead poisoning to the Colton Pitonyak trial to runner's issues such as digestive upsets and raw nipples. Why is it men (and some women) think they can run for miles and miles and not have chafed nipples? I saw at least two men who were bleeding. Trust me, bleeding from the nipples whilst wearing a white running shirt is not sexy. At all. Hello, people! Either use round band aids or buy some Nip Guards. The Nip Guards are easier to peel off than band aids, I think.

Sunday morning was even more fun than the water stop. I organized a cheer squad for friends running the 3M Half Marathon. Frank, Chel, Dan and I started off around mile 3.5, cheering in the cold for Coby, Gilbert, Christine, Todd, Rockett, Jason and assorted other friends. And let me tell you it was cold. Frank brought a jug of Starbucks, but after two sips my java was icy. Still, mile 3.5 was a good time, with Duran Duran blaring from Chel's SUV. We showed up at mile 9 as well, handing out Kleenex, bananas, potatoes, cookies and pretzels. Dustin joined us at that mile marker and cheered along with us. For some reason he was not as adept at getting rid of his snacks. I suggested he take off his shirt. Female runners (as well as a few males) would then veer toward him and he could thrust cookies at them. He did not follow my advice. It was cold.

It was exciting and thrilling to be in the thick of it but still on the sidelines. To be a good cheer station, you have to know the race route, road closures and limited access roads. Then you have to plan your stations around all that, keeping in mind that you can't cross any road on the route. Even limited access roads will sometimes have a 30 minute wait for a gap in runners before the police will allow a vehicle to cross. So, we dashed all over Austin but it was well worth it. Not much makes you feel as good as seeing teammates at their best or being supportive when they're at their worst. It's a cheer squad's own version of a runner's high.

Christine finished in 1:56, an awesome pace time. Gilbert had a 1:45 run and Coby a 1:48, both terrific and finished strong, as I expected. Todd sped in with a 1:57 finish. Rockett pulled out a 2:14, despite the pair of brand new shoes she had on...found out quickly they weren't as broken in as she had previously thought. Jason finished in 2:08 but I haven't found out if he PR'd, as he hoped he would. I wandered around at the finish handing out more Kleenex to runners waiting in line for Rudy's Bar-B-Q. Made sense to hand them out since we had them. If you've ever had to indulge in a "farmer's blow" while running/walking, you can appreciate free tissues.

After the run, the gang met up at Z'Tejas for brunch. Z'Tejas has expanded into a national chain, but we dined at the spot that started it all, W. Sixth Street. I can't complain at all about the mango swirl margaritas or the chicken and potato hash. The combination of fried shredded potatoes, cubes of jerk chicken, poblano peppers, roasted corn and red onions topped with two eggs (I chose sunny side up) and a touch of chipotle hollandaise sauce was sublime. I just about licked my plate. And no, it wasn't low fat. I did say fried potatoes. I am convinced, however, that my Cheertator duties burn calories.

The next biggie is the February marathon. I'll be recruiting cheerleaders and Todd will be serenading the runners. His band, The Humiliators, plays at mile 0.5, just out of the start. I know it'll be a rockin' good time.