Baby I'm a Star!

Hey, look me over
Tell me do u like what u see?
Hey, I ain't got no money
But honey I'm rich on personality
Hey, check it all out
Baby I know what it's all about
Before the night is through
U will see my point of view
Even if I have 2 scream and shout
Baby I'm a (star)
Might not know it now
Baby but I r, I'm a (star)
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
Sing it (We are all a star!)

Eyes closed, on a plane somewhere over mid-America, I turn up the volume on my iPod and fall back in time to the 80's. Instantly, a flood of memories of my high school girlfriends and I singing as loudly as we could come to mind. Prince on the car radio (he was still called by his first name back then), music thumping, hearts beating in time, we'd be caught up in singing our chosen theme song. Baby, I'm a star! Might not know it now...but we knew that we were destined for more than our small town held. We knew that we were special, had Important Things ahead in life. It was our four minutes of feel good confidence, therapeutic lyrics spurring us to believe in ourselves and we could, would conquer the world. I was part of a group of self-assured, bold and decisive, comfortable in our skin kind of young women.

What happened to that girl? Nothing. Because she didn't really exist. She was a myth, or perhaps a promise. She was what I became when I let the words of a song speak to me. The unfortunate reality is that my teen years were spent feeling insecure. Inwardly, I cornered the market on teen angst. On the surface, I looked like any other teenage girl of the time, zits and all.

My home life was less than stellar, due to a parent who had finally decided to address an alcoholism issue just as I was entering high school. I'd spent years learning how to tip toe around while polishing my skills at being a human barometer. Even today I am an excellent judge of emotion, whether I'm in a room full of friends or complete strangers. It's an aptitude most children of alcoholics learn early on, simply so as not to topple the delicate balance of peace and stability by doing or saying something wrong. Never mind that the exact same words or actions were fine the day before, or would be the day after.

I spent my late teen years with a perpetual nagging feeling that I would never measure up in life. I'd never the the pretty, witty girl surrounded by perfect friends. I'd never make pots of money in a fabulous career. I'd never be scorchingly in love with someone who returned the emotion so intensely that shared glances between us could start forest fires. I'd counter these negatives with what I knew to be true: no matter what my life became, I'd be okay. It wasn't very convincing, but I clung to that belief.

Over time I learned to mask my true feelings. I was self-aware enough to realize that what I thought of as shyness was actually fear. I was scared I'd never fit in. I was terrified the people around me would suddenly come to their senses and realize that I was not worth their time or effort. My method to combat that fear was to become outgoing, extroverted. I reasoned that if I could pretend to be the Queen Social Butterfly Whom All Are Dying To Know that then perhaps no one would see the real me. I would fake it until I felt it. Or at least felt accepted.

A few decades passed. These days I can walk into a bar alone, sit down and order a drink and not feel odd or out of place. I can work a party like a politician, making small talk with anyone who crosses my path. I still have the occasional fleeting worry but am in no way insecure. Even better, I'm happy with who I've become. I even learned to own my emotions.

I put in my time at a job I like to think of as a marriage of convenience. I'm not exactly in love with my career, but it pays the bills. And while I may not be the pretty, witty girl, I do have fabulous friends. I've lost a few in recent times, much to my painful regret, but life is made fuller through change. I am thrilled to have a circle of dynamic friends. In my social set there are athletes, massage therapists, attorneys, nurses, rockstars (okay, maybe only in our group, but they are great musicians), students, doctors, computer geeks, paralegals, average joes, mommies, daddies and more. They are pretty and most definitely witty people.

Even better, I still have close girlfriends who are the sort to turn the volume up and launch into singing our current feel good total confidence song du jour. Whether it's Prince on the oldies station or anyone else, we haven't lost the essence of who we once were, those young girls with dreams as big as the sky. I don't have to book an appointment with my therapist when I'm feeling down. I simply grab my cell, dial up the chicas and ask the magic question. "Who's up for karaoke?"

The Way We Identify Ourselves as Women

I was out in the beautiful Salado hill country this weekend, at a womens' retreat. During our first session, the retreat leaders led a series of ice breaker games starting with a simple one. We were to go around the room stating our name and telling the group one thing about ourselves.

The fact that 99% of the women followed the "My name is" part with how many children and/or grandchildren they had didn't surprise me. It shocked me. It brought to the surface how ingrained in women it is that we are identified by bearing children. It amazed me that almost all of these unique ladies, many of whom were highly accomplished in other areas chose to define themselves by stating that they had created at least one living being. And most of the mothers also added "I'm married to ____".

We are a society very attuned to marriage and producing children. Of the few women present who weren't mothers, we all said something like "My name is Kay and I don't have a husband or kids but I do have _____". As if we were compensating for the shortcoming of being single and childless. Finally, I saw it plainly. I had some validation of my theory that a woman who doesn't further the species expends a lot of energy proving she is still useful.

Let me restate one thing: Every woman, including myself, who weren't mothers mentioned not having kids. Half of us childless ones mentioned mothering cats or dogs. By the time we made it all the way around the room to me, I felt almost embarrassed at having neither a partner nor children as proof of my success. It was as if, without actually voicing it themselves, the wives/mothers were more extraordinary than the three or four of us who weren't wives and mothers.

Is it any wonder that many women my age who haven't yet conceived a child spend so much free time analyzing their emotions, wondering and worrying over whether or not they'll be passing up something incredible if they choose not to become a mother? My friends have all been subjected to endless conversations where I talk, talk, talk about motherhood. Five or ten years down the road, I'll probably be on the listening end of their own gabfest on the pro's and con's of starting a family.

Until then, let me redirect my thinking a bit and revisit the ice breaker. "My name is Kay and I have an amazing group of friends who love me just the way I am."

Today's Bizarro News

I need a break from the tragic stories coming out of Virginia, Iraq, Iran, Darfur and other countries. My mind is filled with news of the Virginia Tech murders, the deaths of civilians and soldiers, the attempt to wipe out a significant number of the population of Sudan. What do I need today? I need a diversion and what better than the bizarre, the strange and the odd but true news stories found on the wire this morning. Here are my choices:

1. Wow, that's a big dog chasing my car! Residents of a Minnesota town have had dogs, turkeys, ducks and geese chase their cars but up until now, the timber wolves weren't in on the action.
2. Okay, this one is about death, too, but it's so strange I had to include it. An American Airlines passenger died in the lavatory but wasn't found until 2 hours later when the cleaning crew discovered his body. Yeah, your flight crew is supposed to ensure all passengers are off the plane and restrooms are empty.
3. A 14 year old girl finds out her "boyfriend" is a 30 year old woman. Okay, I know I was fairly naive as a 14 year old but what was up with this child's parents? Could they not figure it out? Of course, knowing the couple had allowed their daughter's "boyfriend" to move into their home points out the obvious: poor parenting.
4. A Wisconsin man may get off (pun intended) scot-free due to a state law prohibiting a city library from turning over to police a video of him wanking off in the stacks. Hmmmm....libraries always make me a bit frisky, too.
5. Children in England find a three-headed frog. Environmentalists speculate it could be a sign of problems with nature.
6. Whole Foods could sell more pricey organics if they took the same approach as UK grocery chain Tesco. They're marketing magic mushrooms.
7. A man-hating cockatoo tries to hatch chocolate Easter eggs.
8. My teacher-of-the-month award goes to the UC Davis doctoral student who teaches art workshops using maggots instead of paintbrushes.
9. Just in case breaking up with your ex-lover in person, on the phone or by text is waaaay too personal for you, use this Berlin service.
10. And from the town that I (mostly) grew up in, the place that helped shape my personality and form my psyche: DWI on a riding lawn mower. And ya'll wonder why I am the way I am.

What Has Happened To Drive Friendly?

Almost every morning and evening as I make my commute to and from work I sit in traffic and wonder "what has happened to the Drive Friendly campaign"?

I try to be polite, let folks in when I know they have a scant chance of a break in traffic. Do they even give a friendly wave? Most of the time, no. And when I'm the one needing to merge into traffic it seems as if each car spots me and then edges up inches away from the bumper in front of them. When did Austin become so aggressively selfish on the roads?

I can recall when everyone in the neighborhood did the "dashboard wave" when driving by, whether you knew them or not. If I did that now my neighbors would probably classify me as the "weirdo who lives six doors down and thinks she knows us".

Come on, people. Make a payment toward good car karma. Lighten up a little and realize that allowing a car into your lane isn't going to make you any later to work than you already are. The other cars on the road aren't the enemy. And for pete's sake, watch out for the cyclists! I know that they piss you off by not obeying all the rules of the road as they should, but don't persecute the conscientious cyclists for the sins of the bad ones.

With the huge number of cars and trucks clogging up Austin's roads there is a definite need to drive friendly. And maybe, just maybe, you can wave when you drive through my neighborhood.